Haeirul's Lifetime Journals Begin

an untouched love, heart & soul of Haeirul's & it's callin' for assurance & remedy

24 January 2010

I'm unsure of what to do right now and that in every single day,

I'm actually lost in every single thing that I do. And it feels as if I go

deeper to what I'm doing now, I got even more confused and frustrated for

not being able to achieve my goals. It feels as if I've wasted every single day

all this while and I've actually failed to fulfil my promises I've plegde not long ago.

Sad to say, I've actually given up but I still drag myself each day.

But only god knows, how I was feeling every single day. I'm no more

than just like a dead soul who's wondering around just for sake of doing it.

I seriously had lost my interest in what I'm doing but I just couldn't express it

out coz I just couldn't imagine breaking every hearts who has been putting

hopes on me. I just needed help like immediately. But seriously, which is better?

Tell everyone what you're feeling or just keep it to yourself and suffer?

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06 January 2010

I'm not sure about the course of journey that this life of mine

would take me to and the question is whether I'm strong enough to take it.

It seems that people are always blaming me over things that I've not

committed nor did I have a touch or glance of that particular matter.

To my brother Afiq, I know you would be reading my blog.

If you came to read this, I just wanna let you know of how taken aback,

disappointed and sorrow of me now with what you have said. It's okay

if you wanna lose your grips on me but please not everytime when

you give me a call. I know you are a much much more concern kind of

person which I have to agree. You make your time there after work. I

appreciate that but please understand me, I've workload to do. I mean

we are do have workload but mine is much more complex where it needs

memorizing and fast-paced capturing which I am actually struggling myself.

You already know that I've been skipping classes subesequently but you

don't have to be that sarcastic, right? I'm sure you did that before too,

am I right? I just needed a break for one day. And please..

please don't ever say that I didn't care bout him coz I'm always

here with you guys despite of my absence at the hospital coz you guys are always

in my heart especially him during this critical moment. I'm glad to hear that

he has been transferred to a normal ward already. Praises to god.

I hope you understand me and I really want us to be like before where

there is no arguement and anger. Only laughter and joy that I want.

Please, am I asking too much from you?

Ps: I've just lost the basic general document of my life and

I'm really worry bout it. Why are things coming at one go?

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31 December 2009

I just don't understand what's wrong with people nowadays.

People who I know and people who I don't even know.

Firstly, the MEDIAs. Come on! Think wide, man!

I'm not trying to be racist here, but you guys are.

What's the catch when you people are saying "Malay Idol",

instead of "Singapore Idol" where it should named.

And what's more when people are saying bout the

malays voting to death for this newly-elected idol. I'm not

gonna mention name, you guys should be clear of who I'm

referring to. I mean come to think rationally, the Malays

are not the majority. So, I'm trying to say, the votings are not

just from that one particular racial group but from others as well.

I mean he already won the Singapore Idol!

Deal with it, yaw :DD

Afteral, it's fair isn't it?

The president is an Indian, the Singapore Idol has been

that "one" who has been winning and not forgetting, same

applies to the Miss Singapore Universe every year, it has

been like that ever since. So, don't talk bout race here, can?

Afteral, we are one Singapore right? Aren't we?

And one more thing which caught me in action.

I mean come on! Don't talk bout love here if you don't

understand what the actually meaning is. Even if you browse

through the dictionary, you won't find and understand it coz

you have to feel it in a way that only you were there alone with

that someone. In other words, you have to feel it heart to heart

in a first hand basis, only then you will know it. Only then you

will feel the hurt when something you owned was snatched

away from you drastically, dramatically and directly.

So, don't ever snatch. Get your own.

Even if I say get your own, get your own where that

something is still not own. :DD

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26 December 2009

It's been almost two months in process where grandpa left us,

without looking back nor coming back. I missed him seriously.

Yesterday morning, went to pay a visit to his grave. It still looks

the same, the tiles were still not done. It seemed that the contractors

are not working accurately and not on time. I even had to show a

sourish face to some of the workers even when they came approaching

us. It's not that I made it on purpose but just look it's been 2 months.

Well, Im not trying to say anything negative.

But, most construction on the other graves were already

on their last stage of process even those after my grandpa's death.

They said by next Friday, everything should be ready.

I just hope they could keep their words this time.

And I'm even worried when my other grandpa was vomitting

non-stop for almost 2 days straight. I'm going to Tampines to visit

him again tomorrow. Hopes he's alright by then. Amen.

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25 December 2009

Those listening to the song featured in my blog,

feel free to sing along with me kayzzz : ]

Take a breath, take it deep
Calm yourself, he says to me
If you play, you play for keeps
Take a gun, and count to three
Im sweating now, moving slow
No time to think, my turn to go

And you can see my heart beating
You can see it through my chest
And Im terrified but Im not leaving
Know that I must pass this test
So just pull the trigger

Say a prayer to yourself
He says close your eyes
Sometimes it helps
And then I get a scary thought
That hes here means hes never lost

As my life flashes before my eyes
Im wondering will I ever see another sunrise?
So many wont get the chance to say goodbye
But its too late too pick up the value of my life

And you can see my heart beating
You can see it through my chest
And Im terrified but Im not leaving
Know that I must pass this test
So just pull the trigger

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23 December 2009

When you look into other's eyes and it is as if

it is looking back into yours. Everything feels not quite normal.

Because you feel stronger and weaker at the same time.

You feel excited and at the same time, terrific.

The truth is you don't know what you feel except you

know what type of person you want to be.

It is as if you have reached the unreacheable point

and you weren't ready for it.

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14 December 2009

Today, I started my day like a dead soul.

OMG! This is so not gonna happen to me right. I don't want it to strike me

at this very moment where the vacation has just took place. I mean it's

just the first day of holiday and the feel of boredom is already there. Gosh!

Well, I did some cooking today since mom was really not feeling that well.

Though you guys might say "Only that, Haeirul?" But still I'm proud that I managed

to fry a fried rice and deep-fry a few chicken wings with doing some clothes washing

and chores in between.. Now my fingernails are yellowish just because of the

"turmeric" or what they called it "kunyit" in Malay in case some numbskul is not

too sure what I'm talking about. I'm not referring to u okay. hahahaha. :DD

And luckily, at the midst of my boredom, someone called me. I mean I

just commented something bout that person to myself and that person called.

"Macam tahu-tahu gitu.. muahahahaha." So went out for awhile to meet that

"idiotic" person. Just joking. Met at Bukit Gombak, went to eat at Habib if I'm

not mistaken. As usual, always go for what I wanna buy. I regret asking that

person to order first and in the end, I had to order something else.

"Takot pulak nanti order same, ckp sibuk pulak.. muahahahaha."

Next time, I'll order first, only then I'll asked.

And It's not easy for me to finish my food coz disturbance was always made

by this person. Kicking my leg and stepping at another moment and all sort of stuff.

"Nak aje sepak, kesian pulak nanti nangis. hahahaha." And after all that, I gave

that person something which I've bought during my vacation to KL & Malacca.

I actually remember to buy something for this person okay coz this person did

bought something the other time when this person went on a holiday, except that

I don't seem to find the correct moment coz we're not been talking ever since then.

So that's why when that person say, "ouh pegi melake, tk belikan pape. Org

adelah belikan dier jugak." and I just kept silent. Once more you say

that again and I swear your teeth drop, I tell you. hahahaha. :DD

Anyway, I hope you like it ehk, mr 'S***M'. muahahaha.

And ouh ya talking bout that, when we were teasing each other,

I noticed something and I say "ehk kau ***** ehk?" and true-ness!

Gosh. hahahahaha. One funny fellow with a "Godzilla" tooth.

Enjoy reading it kays.. Bye "WSD", you should know what's that! :D

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11 December 2009

I am so lucky.

But is it, this luckiness that I need now?

Then, why am I still missing someone who has filled my days last time?

I felt something's gone without knowing what I've found.

I felt I've found without knowing what I'm looking for.

And I felt I'm still looking without knowing what has been missing.

Humans have its dreams.

Some really go all the way and make it real.

Some step back and just threw it away. And

there are some who kept silent and just keep it for the rest of their life.

And I . . . will be the person with that last choice.

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04 November 2009

Someone can break your heart, leave you dead on the lawn,

and still YOU never learn what to say to stop it all over again.

^&*@*&*!(*!@&&@!*)!*&*@*&^

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30 September 2009

First, you were being given introduction and you just give a smile.

Secondly, approaches you but you care less coz you're so called "proud".

Thirdly, tries to talk to you but you avoided due to your high expectation.

Fourth, showed the sincerity but you do not appreciate

the presence given.

And soon, when you're alone and no one to accompany you

but you needed someone desperately and you turned, you saw someone

who you paid no attention to the other time was right behind you.

Looking forward, walking towards you and gave a hand,

you'll suddenly taken aback and grap that chance.

That is when you realise how important it is to you!

How did I know all bout this?

Coz I went through those moments and i did every single thing

mentioned in this post and now, I really appreciate all those! = ]

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Haeirul's Lifetime Journals Begin is OnSugar.

Adapted from Bygone Era by Robert Boylan

Haeirul's Lifetime Journals Begin

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